I’ll tell you where to put those crystals…
Hint: it’s in my a special water bottle compartment.
Another hint: it’s not in orifices
Kristina sent me a water bottle filled with charged crystals and I’m thrilled. Not because I believe in the power of crystals to transform my humble water into some super-power-infused beverage, but because I don’t. That makes me giggle.
To be clear, I loved that my friends threw me a narwhal party after I briefly insisted that narwhals weren’t real. Similarly, I love this stupid water bottle because it’s totally ridiculous and absolutely doesn’t have special powers. It reminds me of that one time when Kristina and I had a totally serious one-sided conversation with a spa worker who fervently believed that drinking pretty-rock-adjacent water could absolutely change your life.
Feel the power!
The spa lady also taught us that crystals had to be recharged. Did you know that? We didn’t, but Sarah did. She's good like that. We might have called her after we had spent an hour repeating over and over again, “But those rocks weren’t even IN the water.” and “Did you even know that crystals run out of juice?” Oh, and we had probably drunk a bottle of wine.
Now I have a bottle of fake crystal power to call my very own. It came with instructions for how I can manifest a better life for myself through hydration and vibrational patterns and everything. See?!
Although delightful recipes were included...
The part about charging them while naked (see featured photo at top) was not in the manual. Kristina was free styling there, but I'm into it. If you’re gonna charge crystals, you might as well go big and do it while dancing naked.
Hold on. I just heard a coworker clipping his nails in the office and that shit is DISTRACTING. No, I did not see him. I heard him. And I know I’m right about what was going on over in the corner because another coworker turned to me and we both mimed “IS THAT GUY CLIPPING HIS NAILS?!” at the same time. #gross
Anyway, back to crystal charged water.
Point is,
- Sarah knows new age things. She may not believe all of them, but she knows them. She's a wealth of new age knowledge, our Sarah.
- Crystals apparently need to be charged.
- Crystals do not need to be in the water to infuse said water. They just need to be water-adjacent.
- Crystals should not be put in your lady parts. This wasn’t in the instructions either, but one time a certain new age adjacent friend got this friendly reminder from Pinterest. (Helpful algorithms are helpful, no?) It turns out that some crystals are water soluble and/or potentially poisonous when put in the lady parts. See references in 7 Things You Should Never Do To Crystals!
Crystal safety
Which brings us full circle... crystals are water soluble and can make you crazy if consumed (which is probably why my water bottle came with the violent yellow warning above), but water-adjacent crystals that you’ve charged whilst naked under the full moon are totally acceptable and can be purchased for your ultimate hydration pleasure on Amazon for $50-$100. #themoreyouknow
