I'm the undisputed champion of...
running over my own Amazon packages.
I’m so good at doing this that I don’t even have to think about it. I even do it even when I don’t want to. I’m THAT good at running over things that I’ve ordered.
Before you accuse me of rigging the system, let me tell you that they’re not in my driveway or on my doorstep. Although, if I’m being honest, it’d be way harder to run them over on my doorstep. Perhaps if I’m really interested in claiming the title of Greatest Runner Over of Packages of All Time, I should increase the difficulty. It’d be something else if I managed to get either of my vehicles past the gigantic plant that might be a mutant bird of paradise, between the two of the posts that may or may not be holding up my porch, and over a sizeable concrete step without lodging a vehicle firmly in my foyer.
Not that I’d be opposed to taking out the wood monstrosities that someone confused for front doors in the seventies. The two voting members of our Love Hovel redecorating committee are unanimous in their hatred for them. (The last member had his voting rights revoked for poor judgment when he said the neon sign I lovingly had custom-made for the family room was dumb.)
Anyway, the reason why I’m the GOAT of running over packages is because I’m so consistent and accurate. It doesn’t matter that the Amazon delivery person with key access is putting them RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EMPTY SPOT IN A GARAGE WHERE {gasp} I PARK MY CAR.
My garage is filled with stuff, except in the one space where it’s absolutely not filled with stuff. A place that resembles a parking spot. Or a black hole into another universe where the stuff in my garage hole disappears to.
All caps are necessary to capture the depths of Phil’s WTF every time I announce that I’ve run over another package. He’s not impressed with me though. He’s impressed with the stupidity of the Amazon drivers who think this is a good place to leave our deliveries. But honestly, I think he needs to give me more credit.
To fully capture the breadth of my abilities, let me provide you with a sampling of the variety of Amazon packages that I’ve run over with my car.
Two bags of groceries, including bananas and tomatoes. These exploded muchly, creating a smell sensation that I don’t recommend that anyone rush out to experience.
Metal combination lock
Nuun tablets and vitamins
Colored pencils
More groceries
I rarely run over things that are cloth. I guess that’s my way of internally upping the ante. I only run over things that I’ll ruin or that I need immediately to cook food for my family.
One of my last posts was about competition with Kristina. I fully expect her to challenge me now, which is fine by me. I’ve honed my skills over the last two years and have a few more things in my cart. Plus, I know that there’s no way that she can manage to clear out enough space in her garage to park a car. (Natural advantage: Toole!) But if anyone wants to challenge me, bring it on.
