Beavis, Butthead, and Kristi Yamaguchi
It's glacial in my dynamic and brightly colored collaborative work area. I'm pretty sure they're working on a devious and hidden system designed to freeze me bodily to my work station, but they haven't worked out the part where they can spray me with water and not ruin my electronics yet. When they do, I hope my family knows to bring ice picks and a metric buttload of those chemical hand warmer things that they sell at ski resorts.
Like that Everest guy, I'll become the marker that helps people find the restrooms
Note to self: request chemical hand warmer packets in budget spreadsheet TODAY.
Because they frown on open flame in the workplace, I drank a cup of tea. My body temperature came up a smidge, but not enough, so rather than descend into hypothermia or do the walk of shame down to the company store to buy a Pied Piper fleece, I've decided to make the smart choice and relocate to the warmth of the 74 degree patio. On my way out the door, I passed Olympic gold medalist Kristi Yamaguchi.
She was on a stage having a laid back fireside chat, not standing next to me in line for coffee, so it's not like we were having a personal moment. I've had the same moment here with Madeline Albright and a bunch of random music dudes. The events staff does that sometimes... they bring in random people to just hang out and talk. They send us outlook invites for the events, which I regularly decline because I don't get why it's a thing. Maybe it's so people can write in their blogs that they walked by Kristi Yamaguchi on their way to grab an impossible burger?
If so, events staff... I did the thing. You can consider your Kristi Yamaguchi goals accomplished. I've blogged about both Kristi Yamaguchi and your delightfully subsidized impossible burger. You win. #adobelife
What I'd like to have the events staff put on is a Beavis & Butthead lunch hour, perhaps with guys in B&B costumes. I'd much rather say that I ran into Beavis & Butthead en route to grab the paneer special, man! I'm going to figure out a way to work in that request. It'd be a real morale boost for me and at least one other person I know. I figure that's gotta be on par with the metric being used to justify a Kristi Yamaguchi appearance.
These guys are on their way to their 1pm
Enjoy some Cornholio Poetry, courtesy of someone who we'll call "rad coworker." (Just don't pull a Sarah and blast it on your monitor speakers, k?) This same coworker scripted out how we could work tag team to inject B&B into totally serious tech giant meeting. This should be called out in his next performance review because it's bound to drive innovation.
Here's the script. It's genius.
Bossman: I really think we need to leverage the business value of the doohickey by innovating and metric things.
Rad coworker: Are you threatening us?
Me: You do not want to face the wrath of our bungholes!
Because we're a serious outfit and make our decisions based entirely on data, we hypothesize that this would be met by a 21.59% chance that bossman joins in and does the Butthead laugh.
BUT there’s a 52% chance of the nasal sigh with shoulder slumping and the "Dad isn't mad, he's just disappointed" face.
Either way, I think it's worth it. Laughing is proven to make people warm, which is a metric I care about. And it's gotta be more interesting than hearing about ice skating.
