In memoriam
Elixir2Go Crystal Elixir Water Bottle (aka: Kristen’s new age water bottle), age 2, of San Jose, CA, escaped this mortal realm on Tuesday, November 5, 2018, leaving behind a handful of pretty rocks, a glass vessel with a huge crack at the bottom, a soaked neoprene sleeve, and a wet mess that almost fried several unsuspecting electronic devices.
Kristen’s new age water bottle is survived by her less inspirational but far more shatter resistant roommate, Maurice, the plastic Lulu water bottle, who was the love of her life during their brief but intense months of sharing the water bottle shelf. She is also survived by a number of less fancy (but free!) conference water bottles, who she may or may not have pushed off the shelf in a bid for attention just a few short days ago.
Kristen’s new age water bottle graduated from Crazy Pants Gem Water factory, where she majored in obscure gem therapies and lookin’ pretty.
She is remembered by friends for volunteering her service in the Great Thirst War during the drought of 2018 and was outspoken advocate for separating crystals from water while still putting them near water.
In her short life, Kristen’s new age water bottle enjoyed many, many things. Among those things were holding water, holding water with lemons, being washed on the bottom rack of the dishwasher, ABBA, hiking, sitting in the stands at baseball games, being dragged to Bed Bath & Beyond where she could unjustly judge other, less gem-filled water bottles, cold beer, free beer, trying her hardest to balance the chakras of her erstwhile owner, and hanging with Maurice, the plastic Lulu water bottle.
Kristen’s new age water bottle died knowing that DoTerra essential oils are the best essential oils ever, that if everyone drank out of crystal-infused water bottles they’d be SO WOKE and could probably save the planet in less than 43 days, and that people will always stick crystals in places that they don’t belong, even if you warn them a thousand times.
Tremendous and heartfelt thanks go to the truly exceptional nightshift in Kristen’s bedroom, who provided much more than a peaceful and compassionate environment during her messy transition from this life to the next.
Friends and admirers can pay their respects on Monday, November 11, from 8am to noon, with Pastor SJ Recycling Truck dude officiating, at The Love Hovel’s recycling bin, San Jose, California.
Memorial donations in Elixir2Go Crystal Elixir Water Bottle’s name can be made to Amazon (in the form of buying Kristen another crazy water bottle) or your favorite watering hole, where you are instructed to tie a few on and tell a few stories of the great Elixir2Go Crystal Elixir Water Bottle.
